‘The dirty little secret that gave me an inner strength I never knew I had’

Cellulite makes us strong! Yes, sisters and brethren, I have cellulite. I have seen the light. Cellulite can make us empowered. When you are a femme, aged over 60, realisation has finally dawned. People cannot make women with cellulite do anything they do not want to do. In addition, an older lassie with cellulite, where gravity has won, no longer cares what other people say about her.

Is this true liberation? At last … For instance, I met someone who wanted a companion to attend his football matches. I did not mind football. On match days, at 8am, I would vacuum the car, fill up with petrol, clean the windscreen, buy fresh bread rolls and deli delights. Then I would make lunches, snacks and thermoses, before packing football scarves, beanies, cushions, guernseys, mostly handmade, because I am a crafter.

After this, the expedition would proceed to a far flung football stadium. Here the ‘boys’ in the team would usually receive a nice old hiding from any other team, in their valiant quest for the flag that never came. Pitiful. I would come home hours later, cold, tired, unpack the bags of football couture and leftovers, then cook a meal or a late night treat, then retire to my bed with a bad back from those dreadful seats.

One day, I woke up with a revolutionary thought. I was 60 years old, really. Why I am doing all this? Who I am pleasing? I am not getting too many thrills staggering up to a footy stadium hill, as old Fats Domino might sing. Make this cellulite ever attend football ever again! No more I did attend football, to barrack for anyone’s team.

Similarly with camping trips. I have seen the light! Unless you really wish to go camping, to dwell in a tent or a caravan when you are over 60, no one can make you. You are ladies of a certain age, with cellulite. You can imagine how much preparation camping takes. I even used to take the dog with separation anxiety. As well as people paraphernalia, I had to take my dog’s jackets, cardigans, raincoat, special foods and bowls, its brush and leads, with a spare collar. I did just as much cooking and washing while camping as when I was at home, where I had better facilities, indoor ablutions, central heating and air conditioning.

These days, I have cellulite. What have you got, dudes? Yes, 60-plus women deserve to live in their own comfort zones, whatever and wherever that is. No, brethren and sisters, do not try to make cellulite ladies do anything. I have got cellulite, empowered by my bulk. I have seen the light, cellulite makes us strong!

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