‘My predictions for Christmas in the future’

Yes, this is Christmas. The Baby Boomers celebrate in our own ways, traditional or not. We hope to see the smiling, optimistic faces of grandchildren, to share in the exciting magic of gifts and fun.

Imagine when they reach our age, in their 60s and 70s. Christmas in the future, far away in time. Global warming may have reached the North Pole, the end of all the ice and snow. The Arctic Circle shall be a surf beach, adorned with cunning little elves playing beach cricket in satin boxer shorts. The naughty elves shall swipe all the stockpile of Christmas presents and keep them for themselves. So much for boxes of chocolates, lolly wrappers all over the sunny bay.

The North Pole shall never be the same, when our grandchildren reach our age. Mrs Claus will be sun-baking in a caftan, totally inebriated on eggnog, filing for divorce from dear old Santa. Why? Well, for generations, Santa has kept a little black book, noting who is nice and who is bad. Santa really knows where all the bad girls are after Christmas Night. Santa has been heading off to visit all the bad girls, living in Bad Girls’ lane.

Mrs Clause is over old Santa’s cheating heart. No, older males, there is nothing colder than an ex-wife’s heart. Mrs Claus is going to throw away most of his clothes and pack a few red fat suits in a suitcase and place it at the front door, if he ever comes home from being on the ho. This is called survivor baggage. Yep, for our grandchildren’s golden years, Christmas will be entirely different.

After the divorce, dear old Santa shall turn into a real dipsomaniac, drunk as a lord, with ruddy cheeks and a redder nose than Rudolph the Reindeer, also now an alcoholic. Meanwhile, Mrs. Santa and the elves are going to celebrate every future Christmas with the biggest beach party and music festival, partying all day and night. No one will ever receive a gift from dear old Santa in the Christmas stockings of the future, all to be vanished forever. The aviation authorities shall revoke dear old Santa’s licence to fly a sleigh, and the reindeers shall always miss their free carrots and shortbreads on Christmas Eve flights over the world.

Well, that is the Christmas forecast. We gaze at our grandchildren at Christmas this year, and hope they shall recall such happy times, way off in their future.

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