‘My mother banned my brother from attending my wedding’

It was 1968 and although the world was becoming a little more tolerant of couples “living in sin” (living as a married couple without being married), my mother was quite unbending in her beliefs of what was acceptable and what was not.

My older brother had gone to live in Western Australia with his girlfriend. The rest of the family were sworn to secrecy as Mum said he was an embarrassment to the family and it was not to ever be mentioned that he was “living a life of sin”.

I was particularly close to this brother and it upset me somewhat that Mum could put her own thoughts about her standing in the community above the happiness of others. My mother did not know it, but I had been living with my fiancé for more than a year. I had a small flat and we lived in a town about 3 hours’ drive from the family home.

My older sister also had numerous lovers, all kept secret from our mother.

I was getting married and my wedding day was fast-approaching. In the lead up, Mum was giving me obscure advice as to how to approach the wedding night. She told me that my new husband would demand certain things and I should be prepared for it. I nodded and it was all I could do to keep a straight face.

I asked her when my brother would be arriving for the wedding and didn’t think anything of it when she said she wasn’t sure. I’d hardly noticed how non-commital she was about it.

There was no mobile phone and no internet for us back then, so it was quite difficult to contact others who lived far away. I didn’t think I needed to get in touch with my brother, I expected him to be at my wedding.

The preparations all went well. The people my mother deemed suitable were invited to share in my happy day. I had very little say in it, but I suppose I was lucky that I was allowed to invite three of my friends. My poor fiancé was only allowed two, as well as his parents. Mum did not really want to invite them as she was worried what her friends would think about sitting next to Germans.

I cringe when I think back to that time. How different it is now.

About an hour before the wedding, I was still looking out the window expecting to see my dear brother arrive when Mum took me aside. “He is not coming,” she told me. “I have forbidden him to come. I will not have him bringing shame on our family.”

This news was like a dagger through my heart. I couldn’t understand how my mother could be so horrible to her own son. After all, he was just following his heart.

I somehow made it through the ceremony. It was just a blur and I could not help but miss my dear brother. In fact, him not being there totally spoilt what would have been a great day.

From that day on, I looked at Mum in a different light. She had always been very judgemental of others, but this cut deeply into my soul. I really could never forgive her.

Perhaps things came back to bite her a few years later, when my brother ‘had’ to get married. There was no hiding the fact that he had been a naughty boy.

I’m grateful attitudes about this have changed over time.

Did your parents have views like this? Did you feel your children should wait until they were married before living with their boyfriend or girlfriend?

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