‘The moment I realised I was turning into my mother’

Read this famous quote by Oscar Wilde in the The Importance of Being Earnest from 1895, if you will: “All women become their mothers; that is their tragedy”. Basically, this is the inner psychology of all women, something they can dread. This is especially if they did not experience a happy childhood, or happy family memories, or if they do not enjoy happy contact with their ageing mothers.

Are all women destined to become their mothers, even if we do not like our mothers? When does this start? One survey of women in the United Kingdom some years ago stated that half of the participants felt that they started turning into their mothers after the age of 31. One joke tells us that our mothers emerge from our mouths when we turn 60.

What does this mean, to turn into our mothers? Primarily, our mothers are the role model of our upbringing and adult life. We can find ourselves turning on the same television shows, having the same hobbies, speaking the same way, using the same expressions, and being drawn to the same type of partner. Even more, we can build the same sort of mother-daughter relationship with our own children.

Scary! Or is it? When women become mothers themselves, they can unconsciously echo their own mothers, who can turn into the Parent Police. For example, women become more concerned with daily well-balanced meals. This is quite natural. Our mothers are probably our only child raising role model.

In contrast, a woman can determine not to be like her mother, especially if her mother has been a Debbie Downer, but then, every now and again, a woman getting older may be surprised how much she is becoming her mother, facially, physically, and in her habits and relationships. Terrible! Yet quite a normal event, as we all learnt our habits, attitudes, and tendencies from our parents.

Some women do consciously resolve not to echo their mothers. We can all make choices, or can we? Who is looking back at us from the mirror? When I look in the mirror, I see my late great-grandma’s image, from my maternal line. I resemble her facially and have the same physical shape. Strange. After hearing our mothers emerging from our lips at age 60, when we age past 63, we can unconsciously turn into the dead grandma’s society.

This phenomenon is like an open letter to anyone who ends up talking like their grandmas, including our mothers, who did join the grandmas society. I don’t know about yours, but my grandmas were very snippy individuals, fine-thinking women. They had no time for nasties, or rudies. If we asked the classic question, “What’s for tea?”, the answer most likely was, “A plate of good manners from me!” Our dead grandmas were full of repartee. I have to bite my tongue sometimes, merely to avoid sounding like my mother or dear dead grandmas society.

Are there things you say or do that remind you of your mother? Would it bother you if you started to resemble your mother?

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