‘I’m starting to think my doctor is the devil in disguise’

You’d never recognise the little devil. Brilliantly disguised as an intelligent, tall, athletic, sandy-haired, fresh-faced, 35-year-old woman! She calls herself my GP, but the more I see her, the more I realise she is actually the devil in disguise

Dr Death takes great delight in wrapping a black band around my upper arm each time I make a friendly visit to her and then she increases the pressure rapidly until my face reddens. Smiling, she releases the grip slowly once my fingers turn blue. Can you believe she even forces me to pay highly for this privilege?

Occasionally, she has also taken great satisfaction in inserting various vulgar apparatus into unmentionable places on my body to ensure I’m not concealing any stowaways looking for a free consult.

Obviously frustrated at being unable to justify some terrifying, torturous, treatment due to my apparent reasonable condition, she has cast her devilish spells over my personal life outside of the surgery, in an attempt to make my life hell.

Over a relatively short period of time, this smiling assassin has:

• Bullied me into burying the smokes — ‘before they buried me’
• Reduced my joy of drinking wine to a totally unacceptable level
• Suggested substituting the wine for a daily cask of water
• Forced me to extradite my adult children from the family home now that they are married with children of their own — to create a ‘stress’ free’ environment
• Insisted I trade-in my love affair with chocolate for lettuce leaves and carrot sticks
• Scared me into avoiding contact with ‘undesirable’ males
• And, with the last prong of her trident, is now suggesting I cram the various layers of my body into a miniature leotard to flop around the gym circuit three times a week until I reach the point of collapse, drenched in sweat!

If I adhere to this above torturous program for the rest of my days, she promises it will result ‘unblemished’ rights to enter heaven. When I eventually swipe my access card on those pearly gates it will be display: Non-smoker, Moderate Drinker, Stress Free Lifestyler, Safe Sex Convert, Weight Management Freak and Regular Exerciser.

As a result, Dr Death, aka the ‘Devil’ has abolished all my comforts of life and I am seriously starting to question — is it really worth going through hell on earth just to get to heaven?!

What do you think? Have your visits to the doctor led to some things being eliminated from your life?

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