‘I’ve always wondered if there is a Mrs Google and who she might be’

Jul 31, 2019
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Who is Mrs Google, asks this writer. Source: Alastair Pike/AFP/Getty Images

Who is Mrs Google? Is she, indeed, a woman? Yes, somewhere in the world, dwells Mrs Google. She had once worked as a managerial executive, hi-tech savvy, doing brunch, with air kissies, pressing the flesh, meeting and greeting, with a flicky, flicky hairdo and lip gloss.

Unfortunately, tough times came along. Mrs Google was forced into early retirement. She discovered at-home employment, writing online articles for Google. In the mornings, now 60-something, Mrs Google, dresses in one of her old power suits, with padded shoulders and does her straggly hair in a wispy bun. Then she sits in her spare room at her desktop, while her retired husband slumps in his armchair in the living room, gazing at television.

Peering through her old-fashioned eyeglasses, Mrs Google writes inspirational blogs, full of positivity. First article of the day, ‘Hit the music!’, so Mrs Google uploads some great feel good songs, such as ‘Beautiful Day’ by U2, and ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams. She even includes the ‘Smurf Song’, just to see if anyone is listening.

Next task, ‘A woman’s got to do, what a woman’s got to do!’ Positive advice is flowing today. “A woman must have faith in her own abilities. Set healthy boundaries. Women can multi-task and most men cannot.” And so on. Mrs Google is on her umpteenth coffee for the day, before it is wine o’clock. Her husband has changed the television channel, by now he is watching football replays, when his team lost.

Mrs Google’s next article, ‘Men enjoy being miserable, leave them to it. Ignoring football is a non-sport, find something else to do in another room. Women witches hop aboard your brooms, and away you zoooooom!’ Very profound, this becomes a popular article. Mrs Google is assigned another task, to explore online dating websites. “What the …?” thinks Mrs Google. “This will be a change,” she contemplates, peeking at her husband. “He is not the world … This requires research.”

Thus Mrs Google registered with an online dating website, specifying males aged between 60 and 70. Ever an optimist, she headed off to a beauty parlour for a hair rinse and trim and then to a boutique for some new threads. Ready!

First day, Yes! First contact from a male, his profile showing a bald man, ‘slightly plump’, 66 years old. He had a beer belly, and was fatter than Mr Google. But he was ‘sincere’, ‘tactile’, ‘seeking a soulmate’, and totally ‘trustworthy’.

“Yeah!” Mrs Google set off for an arranged meeting at a hotel. Her husband did not notice her new hairstyle or dress. Mrs Google left him a bag of crisps, and some cans of beer. Research had commenced, all in the interests of the common good. At the bar, her date greeted Mrs Google with a kiss on the lips. “Bit forward, fast worker,” thought she. While they were having drinks, Mrs Google practised some of her own advice. ‘How to chat to a new male in your life.’ She asked him about his car, his music, his pets and his hobbies. Safe topics. After the third drink, he told Mrs Google he wanted to grow old disgracefully. “Is this a pick-up line? Does he say that to all his dates?” she wondered.

Then he ordered more drinks, and started to get maudlin about his ex-wife. Eyes glazing over, Mrs Google switched to mineral water, heeding her own positivity, “The booze bus is watching you!”. Too true. Finally, her beau clutched her hand, blinked his bloodshot eyes at her, and said, “ I am prepared to have a relationship with you.” Mrs Google was slightly stunned, no talk of ‘chemistry’, she felt no ‘sparks’. Beating a hasty retreat, she unclutched and left the building, to drive herself home.

As was normal, her husband had not even noticed — the football was on, blaring. Mrs Google grabbed her own bag of chips and a glass of wine, to head off to write more Google. Next articles: ‘Are bald men bed men?’ ‘Always get their ex-wives phone number!’ ‘Why I don’t fraternise with the enemy!’ (Further research not indicated.) ‘Hit the music!’ She uploads, ‘I will survive’. Classic anthem. So, who exactly is Mrs Google? Any woman over-60!

What would your ‘Mrs Google’ look like?

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