Here’s an open invitation to my creator, in whichever form he or she manifests. Please, take me now. I’ve lived a good life, but have come to the conclusion that I have — at this point — seen and heard it all!
To the reader, advance warning, if you are easily offended you might like to move on. I’m going to be writing about body talk of an intimate nature, as I recently read about a new contraption called a ‘vaginal alarm’. Yes, you read that correctly!
To put it as delicately as I can, why in the name of everything that is holy would that particular body part need a gadget to remind it of… well… anything!? Personally, I’ve had my vagina for more than 65 years and I’ve never had to jog its memory. For more than 60 years at least she’s known when we have to visit the ‘little girls’ room’. For roughly 35 years, I didn’t have to prompt her memory every month, she performed her birthing function when called to do so, and our visits to the beauty salon were always made together. To this day she and I decide when and if the shop is shut; we’re either accepting visitors or we’re not!
However, what I’ve discovered is that this device is just a new-fangled way of waking a lady up in the morning. I’ve got to admit, I’ve never considered the need for a vaginal alarm to perform such a task, so I thought best to investigate.
Apparently some ladies sleep the sleep of the dead and stubbornly refuse all efforts to wake in the morning. This device has been designed to assist with such a problem.
It’s not an insertion situation, more of a lying on top of a woman’s most sensitive area position. You know the bit your husband needs a road map to find; pity some don’t or can’t read maps. The area where we girls install the flashing arrows with a neon sign that says “Here it is!”
Aside from looking like something nasty you’d find in a gynaecologist surgery, the makers assure the user of its simplicity and effectiveness. Personally, I would query the ‘effective’ description as they’ve had to develop Vaginal Alarm MkIII. Apparently the first two iterations did not impress m’lady. Imagine that!
The apparatus has a flat section where you button push to required wake-up time and a ‘curly bit’ extends upward and onto the abovementioned region. At the appointed time this device begins a delicate vibration building to a crescendo, until you stir.
Now I admit I may not be the most experienced of women, but hear me out. If the ‘crescendo’ is successful and things are regionally ‘on the move’ doesn’t that ‘need’ need a happy ending? Imagine walking around all day on edge, still at the point of no return. I’m the sort of girl who likes to finish a job once started and I leave no stone unturned to achieve job satisfaction. However, once I complete my tasks I’m usually so tired all I want to do is sleep. I’m starting to think I’ve been doing it incorrectly all these years…
Is it just me, or would you agree that this tends to defeat the purpose of the appliance? The device would be considered counter-productive and the original complaint (that of being unable to wake at a certain time) would be unresolved.
In my humble opinion, enough already! My south-of-the-navel province doesn’t need a new job description. She’s done what she was designed to do and feels it’s a little bit late in life to be advancing on a new career path. While she’s happy to come out to play on certain occasions, she doesn’t require any bells and whistles to do so.