I recently met an elderly woman at my beach walking group. She was a newcomer to the area and had been invited by one of the other walkers to join our group. She was bright and chatty and I thought quietly that she seemed to be doing okay. She was living with her son while a flat next door was being renovated for her to move into. Several of us offered to help her with a morning’s work to get her settled in as she said she felt overwhelmed.
Three of us arrived early before the heat of the day and got started. It was a really nice self-contained two bedroom unit next door to her son’s enormous home (which apparently he was seldom in as he works away). He has no family with him so she was there by herself.
We got stuck in, putting stuff into drawers and cupboards, making up the beds and after a few hours the place looked really ready to move into. As one of my friends said, “I’d move in here tomorrow, it looks so nice”.
We had some lunch together and the woman was very grateful. We all chatted a little about our lives and the challenges some of us face with health, family and finances. As she spoke more about moving from the city where she was widowed some time before, the words came out. “Every morning I wake up and feel despair”, she said. I was shocked, as despair isn’t an emotion I allow myself to give into anymore. She said she felt so miserable she didn’t even want to eat.
Moving to a new town has been a challenge for her. Money is not a problem and she has her own car so can get around. However, friends are harder to find when you move to a new place. We encouraged her to become involved with some of the social groups in our town.
However, as I was thinking about those words ‘Every morning I wake up and feel despair’, I remembered a past battle with depression and how bleak the days seemed. Long sentences of time punctuated by endless instant coffee and cheap cigarettes. A lot has changed and I am grateful that my retired life is as full as it is, but a lot of that peace comes from supportive friends, family and a great church. I belong to lots of small groups and keep myself busy.
As a group of friends, we will encourage this woman to reach out for help, visit her, ask her to go for coffee and include her in the things we do as friends. I guess the point of this is that you can’t just look at somebody who has all of the material possessions that are supposed to make you happy and assume they are all right. Maybe it’s the time to ask that question, are you okay? If the answer is no, do what you can to help them see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may need a trip to the doctor or just a committed friendship. Who knows, maybe you standing on somebody’s doorstep is the beginning of an answer to their isolation.