‘The simple way I deal with family members who stress me out’

Welcome to our golden years. As we are ageing in our own way, we become entrenched in our attitudes and reactions. Sometimes we sound just like our parents. That is natural. Yet, it is good to challenge our thinking.

Some situations are not the best. For example, in families of the baby boomers, the adult children might tend to make their problems their parents’ issues, instead of being self-reliant. These days, adolescence can last until a son or daughter is about 30 years old. They still live at home, and expect their baby boomer parents to solve their problems for them.

A parent who is feeling exploited by this type of situation can decide what part (if any of it) is their problem, and what is their child’s problem. We may need to examine our own thinking and attitudes when reacting. It is not easy to make others own their own problems.

Instead of worrying about such stressors, we need to change from within. All the families we raise, and have been raised in, are co-dependent. It is difficult sometimes not to feel put upon by other individuals, whether family members or not. As seniors, it can be beneficial for each person to empower themselves. Overthinking any situation can be stressful, so an easy reaction is to smile, and rotate responses such as ‘That’s no good’ or ‘Nevermind’.

Happiness can start with a smile, so one strategy is to keep on smiling. Or we can adopt a transactional analysis approach. Essentially, I am okay, you are okay. Let’s leave it at that, and have a great day. This is how to change from within, to change reactions to stressors, to change emotionally fraught situations. It can be hard with family members, especially if you find it difficult to say ‘no’ to a family member or friend.

This is a precept on how to change our thinking from within. We can expand this to the wider community, be it in the political systems or social injustices we perceive. The best way to change anything we do not like or approve of, is to seek change from within the system. This is no easy task.

One example I can think of is Australia’s preferential voting system, and being forced to vote. Many people are quite happy with this status quo but, if we are not, we must work from within the political process. Change may never happen, but we must remain optimistic that there is more than one form of democracy, or anything else in society.

Basically, change for the over-60s can be empowering. As older citizens, we should seek to empower both ourselves and others. Positive praise and encouragement should also be part of our attitudes. We are all in this journey together. Maybe less criticism, less gossip, and less dwelling on the past. It sounds easy, but it can be difficult at times to overcome negativity, past insults, and past mistakes.

It is helpful to be ourselves, walk away from conflicts. We can change by empowering our attitudes within our families, to empower each other, being a ‘cheer squad’, for families, friends, and for people for whom we care, particularly grandchildren, or other young people. However, if people aim to manipulate us to participate in their dumb arguments or self-pity parties, just say, ‘Never mind, blip happens’ or ‘You look fabulous today, Kafka’.

Deciding what is your problem and what is someone else’s and then proceeding with a peaceful day or evening is one way to alter our responses in a positive manner, from within. Even so, we cannot change everything we wish to. As seniors, we can aim to be ‘golden oldies’. Empower now! (And may all our troubles be little ones!)

Have you ever felt exploited by a family member or close friend? How have you avoided taking on the stresses of someone else?

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