‘Fulfilling my dead best friend’s final request nearly got me arrested’

I’d be damned if I was going to get arrested for my best friend, not least because she is dead. She was easily the most annoying person in my life.

She had to have things done ‘just so’. You know the type – the one who will move a vase if it’s not dead centre, who’ll tell you “Those curtains need another quarter inch off” or “Vanilla is not white”. She put her family first, had a work ethic almost unfound today and always bought quality (silks, linens etc.). She was the ‘be kind or be gone’ type, never one to fib, was generous to a fault. The type who would tell you to brush your teeth twice a day and floss floss floss! Blah blah bloody blah. We’d lived through every hem-up, hem-down fashion, music and religion trend there was since the late-1960s. We’d championed women’s lib, celebrated hatched, matched and dispatched events ad infinitum.

Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have such a creature as your best friend for 40-plus years?! Bloody annoying…It was an excruciating, non-scenic, hard-to-live-by, hard-to-live-up-to crap fest on a daily basis. I think she under-winged me because of my slothful, sloppy tendencies, which changed not one iota over the years and made for heated interactions to say the least. Yet, the one standout, late-in-the-day, uniquely ours, never disagree on icon of our BFFism was our absolute adoration of Diana, the late Princess of Wales. In our eyes that woman, right or wrong, could do no harm, ever.

Then, just to annoy the living hell out of me forever, what what both of them do? They died!

Well, thank you very bloody much my best friend! She had obviously forgotten our plans to outlive our husbands and kids? Or the deal we’d made to be rockabilly geriatrics, groovin’ to Hair, streaking the retirement home dining area, flashing hot tradies (electrical, plumbing…take your pick) and watching them throw up. Typical, she was only thinking of herself! Now what am I supposed to do?

The trouble was, I knew what she wanted me to do because her annoying selfish pixie voice is in my left ear. It amused her to know I’m deaf in the right ear. My BFF wanted something of Princess Diana’s buried with her. Err, sure thing…

Coincidence is a strange solver of seemingly insurmountable problems. My best friend died on April 1, 2005 (can you believe that, April Fool’s Day). She was cremated. The first anniversary of her death was approaching and we were going to commemorate the occasion with a formal plaque and a ‘filling in’ of the small plot. Immediately prior, I was London bound to visit my daughter in the hope it would ease the unbelievably soul-crushing grief that I just couldn’t shake. Well, with the incessant chatter of the dearly departed and all, no bloody wonder.

Light bulb moment! I’d visit the Diana, Princess of Wales memorial garden and quietly withdraw a small vial from the fountain to pour over my best friend’s plaque, which would seep into the plot. Nobody would notice; nobody would care.

A bloody brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. I am struck dumb by the sheer audaciousness, the naughtiness, the originality and the fact I would be star of the plaque laying ceremony. I can hear my BFF cheering in approval and just like that, the noise in my ear stops.

However, it turns out a lot of people actually do care if you take possession of something from the gardens without approval. It also turns out – shock – that I wasn’t the first visitor who ever intended to steal a small vial of ‘Princess Diana Memorial Water’. In fact, there was a whole police force dedicated to the prevention of such goings-on. It turns out they are fast runners. So fast, that I narrowly avoided being arrested!

I can safely say that my best friend is resting quietly and peacefully though, showing off her Princess Diana Memorial Water. I’ve no doubt she is sniggering and retelling the story of how ridiculous she made me look, frantically running away – in 5-inch heels, no less – from the Hyde Park cops.

Have you ever done something like this for a loved one? What was it?

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