‘My husband has been selfish in bed for 30 years but how do I tell him?’

Intimacy can be hugely important in a marriage, however long you’ve been together, but one woman has now admitted she’s stayed with her husband for 30 years despite never enjoying their sex life. And it’s gone on so long, she’s now worried about telling him in case she hurts his feelings.

Writing to the Guardian‘s relationships expert Pamela Stephenson Connolly, the 58-year-old admitted she has begun finding her husband “repulsive” and any time she’s tried to spice things up in the bedroom by suggesting new things, he appears not to listen. In fact, it’s got to the point she feels like the issue is a “thorn in her side”.

“Although I like my husband, I find him physically repulsive,” she wrote. “His lovemaking is so boring and always has been.

“I have tried to explain that foreplay is important, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying he is crap in bed, but our sexless marriage has become a thorn on my side. Can you help? Please don’t advise counselling – he would never agree.”

Pamela began be reassuring her that her problem isn’t uncommon, but warned her that in many instances, it “can lead to despair, searches for extramarital satisfaction, or even separation – especially if good sex is considered vitally important”.

Ultimately, she said it’s important to weigh up every aspect of the marriage and work out if the other positive parts outweigh this one negative. She added: “To be married for so long to someone unattractive to you, and to have such a poor opinion about your husband’s lovemaking, suggests that you are not terribly interested in sex yourself; that there are many positive factors that outweigh it in your marriage; that you do not want to upset the status quo; or that you regard yourself as a victim in your relationship.”

While she said some people may not wish to try counselling, the woman should still go on her own to help give her guidance amid the difficult time. It got mixed responses from readers, with one writing: “He doesn’t need to go to the counselling sessions, but I think the letter writer should go. Not to resolve their sexual problems but to decide whether she really wants this relationship to continue.” Another added: “I am slightly aghast that you can spend 30 years with someone you only like and actually find repulsive. (Unless he was Hugh Hefner. In which case liking him would be a bonus.)”

Despite many couples struggling to maintain a fun and exciting sex life, a recent poll by Starts at 60 found more over-60s are happier in their marriages or long-term relationships later in life than they were at the start, with most saying their bond, passion and intimacy have got stronger with time. Readers shared their thoughts as part of an exclusive online survey, with 64 per cent of people revealing they’re happier in their marriage now compared to when they first started dating.

One reader admitted finding financial comfort later in life had a lot to do with her growing contentment and said: “There is nothing now like the financial stress that clouded our early marriage, three small boys and whopping mortgage payments for only a very small house.”

Meanwhile another admitted her feelings haven’t diminished at all with time, as she said she’s still as happy now as she was at the start. She added: “I don’t feel any different in my choice of partner. Just older. I am just as contented and happy as I was in the beginning. It is a wonderful life! Albeit not without trying moments… but life is not always about happy.”

However, 36 per cent of those who voted said they were happier several years ago, in the early moments of their romance. Whether that be due to their spouse becoming ill, distance growing between them after their kids have left home, a partner cheating or subsequent divorce.