An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. Whenever they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night and their neighbours – who feared the old bloke the most – would always hear him repeat the same words.
“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
One day, the man died abruptly and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbours approached in a group to ask: “Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried that he said he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said: “Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”
A prisoner in jail received a letter from his ageing father that said: “Dear son, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear dad, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his father saying: “Dear son, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear dad, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
Four priests went golfing wearing typical “golfer” outfits. After a while, their caddy asked: “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”
“Actually, yes, we are,” one replied. “How did you know?”
“Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language.”