A guy sees a sign in front of a house, which reads: “Talking dog for sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a dog just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the dog replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The dog looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says: “Ten dollars.”
The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”
The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
Two old men were sitting on a bench.
“I’m 83 years old,” one said. “And I’m full of aches and pains. Bert, you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
“I feel just like a newborn baby,” said Bert.
“That’s not fair. Do you really feel like a newborn?” the first man said.
“Yep,” said Bert. “No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
A woman stepped on the scales at her doctor’s office.
“That’s 144 pounds,” the nurse’s aide said, making a note.
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” the woman joked.
“Of course,” the aide said.
A few moments later, the doctor came in and had a look at the chart.
“Well, this is interesting! Looks like you’ve lost some weight,” she said.
“Just a smidge.”
“A smidge? Says here you’re down to 14 pounds.”