A foreign tourist had just arrived in New York City and was amazed by the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.
The first door he entered happened to be a large health club and he asked the clerk if he might use the men’s room. The clerk said certainly and told him the men’s room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Trying to appear sober, the man weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned right instead of left, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realising the man’s mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him. Suddenly he heard the man shout: “Don’t flush, I’m in here!”
A young boy had just gotten his driver’s licence and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said: “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about it for a moment and finally settled for the offer. After about six weeks, his father said: “Son, I’ve been real proud. You’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I’m disappointed, since you haven’t gotten your hair cut.”
The young man paused for a moment, and then said: “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also.”
To this his father replied: “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
One day an engineer died. He was the kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners. When he went to heaven he met God and God said: “Sorry, you have to go to hell, you’re not on my list.”
So after going down the seemingly endless number of stairs to hell, he met the devil. The devil replied: “Hey, come on in!”
In hell, the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars and more. God saw this and said: “Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven now, I seem to have made a mistake.”
The devil replied: “Are you crazy, I’m not going let you have him.”
To which God said: “If you don’t let me have him, I’ll sue.”
The devil laughed and replied: “You can’t sue! You don’t even have lawyers up there!”