A boy was graduating from university and had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
“I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,” he told the audience. “She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.”
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up apologetically at the crowd and said: “Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s handwriting.”
Two men are out running when they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first man says: “Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?”
The second man says: “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first man says: “There’s this old stone here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the bush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and, with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
“Say there,” says the farmer. “You two men didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first man says: “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes as fast as ever and jumped head first into this hole here!”
And the old farmer said: “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a stone!”
Two friends were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order.
There was a big sign that read: “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
One of the friends pointed to the sign and said: “Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”