A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from up north, went on a business trip down south. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.
Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a different woman who was the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.”
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. “Doc,” he says. “I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs.”
“Sir,” says the doctor. “You complain you have so many things. What don’t you have?”
The man answers: “Teeth.”