Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the baby boy’s father and said solemnly: “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”
“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetisers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.”
“I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and priest at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and priest, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the priest, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he had placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the gentle priest’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behaviour of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. He said: “I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.”
Two natural gas company workers – a senior training supervisor and a young trainee – were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.
As they approached the truck, they realised that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied: “When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run, too!”